John 12:24 may be your answer. When Jesus gave these words to His disciples, He was describing His death on the cross. His death and resurrection would produce eternal life to those who accept Him as Savior. Death would bring life.

The same principle applies today. And truly it makes no sense logically. But in God’s economy, it works. Jesus is explaining that there is a gaining through losing. 2 Corinthians 4:11-12 gives us more on this subject:

During January of 2003, I was at my wits end. I had a 7 month old and a 2 year old. I loved being at home with them, but I was weary. And then when my husband would leave to play golf on Saturday’s for hours at a time – I thought I’d die. I had bought into the worlds definition of what a wife should be:

• the strong leader and voice in your family;
• your way is the only way – especially when it comes to children; and
• your husband should treating you like a fairy tale princess.

Well, no one gave my husband this memo. And the way I behaved during this season of our marriage – it’s no wonder he ran from me every chance he got.

I’m only skimming the surface here, but, now looking back, I wouldn’t change this period of time for anything – because it’s when I began to learn that God was real. Oh, I was a believer. But I merely went through the motions of religion. No real relationship. I can even remember being so desperate for change, that one of my thoughts were, “I ought to try this Jesus stuff to see if it’ll work.”

The pill of death to self was first thing I learned. So what does death to self look like? It comes in many forms, but here are a few:

• Holding your tongue and not having to have the last word-
• Not treating him like he’s stupid when he does bone-headed things-
• Not insisting on your way all the time-
• Encouraging him to do the things that he loves to do – even when it cost you –

Instead of standing with my hands on my hips and demanding to know when he’d be home from the golf course, I intentionally replaced it with a loving, “have a good time dear.” (This approach brought him home much quicker than the other?) It almost killed me to say it the first time – but each time, it got easier and easier. For the first few months, I’d repeat over and over again in my head, “death in me, brings life in him; death in me brings life in him.” Say it!

As of today, after years of making death to self a life-style, not a seasonal change in behavior, my marriage is healthy. In fact, I find I love and respect him more and more through experiencing daily death. My husband rarely plays golf anymore, in fact, I’ve started encouraging him to play. (Tim, this is perfect balance. No need to change anything- he reads these blogs each day.)

The fruit of death to self is being treated like the queen of the castle – because each day – I intentionally make him king. This “Jesus stuff” does work.

So back to the original question – do you need life breathed into your marriage? Do you believe that God is big enough and strong enough to do it? Then cooperate with Him and die to selfishness each day. You may not see results immediately, but you will eventually. It’s a spiritual principle that never changes: Death in you will bring life in him and into your marriage.

Let me hear your successes!